Breaking the rules is the only way forward
Games reduce one’s life to an endless cycle of reaction whereas mindful rituals sow the seeds of a new world.
The wild roar of the mad crowd,
where everyone is always
stepping and shouting over each other,
stealing and hiding from each other,
swallows the voice of the child,
but it is still there,
underneath the sea of busybodies,
waiting for you to guide it out.
Possessive games and the Spirit of Freedom
The space in which most people live out their day to day lives can hardly be called free. There is the illusion of freedom, but in reality most of our actions are already pre-determined. If freedom can be defined as the ability to choose for oneself the way in which one will act in response to some change in one’s circumstances, then it is most certainly the case that most people lack free choice.
How one will react to a development in one’s environment (inner or outer) follows a certain cycle or pattern. The particular pattern one’s actions are defined by is gradually programmed into one’s automatic / day-to-day / default self. The kind of programming we receive largely depends on past experience. As a pattern gets established (could be due to trauma in worst cases, cultural norms in most cases, and personal idiosyncrasies/epxeriences in others) it becomes part of the lens through which we define ourselves. When we come to associate ourselves with our automatic patterns of reacting we increasingly lose sight of our true self and our identity begins to be corrupted by a false self (on this more below, but also read Thomas Keating’s ‘Open Mind, Open Heart’).
Some examples of common cycles or patterns of behaviour will make things clearer. It is perhaps also helpful to think of cycles as ‘games people play’, as discussed by Eric Berne (see his bestseller ‘games people play’.) A cultural norm most are familiar with is to ‘repay an eye for an eye’, and hence when we are wronged by another, we will seek retribution, similarly, when we are gain some benefit on another’s expense, we will feel that it is our duty to reciprocate in some way. Another common game is called ‘benefactor’ - in this case some good deed is done not to get something back (in the material sense), but rather to gain other’s admiration.
The problem with games (cycles, patterns) is that they very quickly make one stuck, not only in terms of losing one’s freedom to choose, but also in the more important sense that one is no longer growing. As long as one is acting in games, one’s behaviour is limited to and entirely defined by the particular environment one is in; each environment comes with a specific set of games inasmuch as each environment contains certain game-triggers. And as long as one is acting in games, one is not acting intentionally, with mindfulness, with a full sense of responsibility. In truth, games reduce one’s life to an endless cycle of reaction. This endless cycle of reaction is the way in which the false self operates. The false self believes that these cycles of reaction with eventually lead to happiness and fulfilment. In this way the false self limits us to activities that maintain the illusion of freedom and fulfilment, but fall far short from it (as the gaping and nebulous sense of never having enough testifies).
How does one break the chain? Spiritual development is, in my personal understanding, the most effective way to break free. A prime focus of spirituality is enabling one to break free from the games of society and the ways of acting that are dead - ways that are stuck in the past, predicated on fantasy, expedient but not meaningful, etc. Spiritual formation invites one on a journey of inner transformation, where the program one has been acting on and become a slave to is gradually erased, and a new ‘program’ (but one that is dynamic, open-ended, life-giving) is installed.
A way in which religion erases the old code is through ritual. A ritual is a set way of acting in response to a specific situation. Rituals, far from trapping one into a rut, liberate one from the rut. This is because each ritual contains in itself (is predicated on) an alternative worldview from the one ‘the game self’ is acting on. When one chooses to perform a ritual, although one might not feel it, the world is transformed for the duration of the ritual (see Michael Puett’s ‘The Path’). It is no longer a pre-programmed emotional reaction that is shaping one’s reality, rather, all of a sudden the world is operating according to some higher, sacred principle. Rituals can be understood as pockets of transformation or seeds of a new world, where the old is no longer in control, but something new and sacred can come in.
For example, when one prays before eating, then, for a brief moment, food is no longer a mundane daily event taken for granted, but becomes a gift of God and a reflection of His providence. When one doesn’t respond to an annoying colleague with passive aggression or the cold shoulder, but with a smile, a ‘how are you feeling today’, or a ‘can I get you something to drink’, then the world changes from a hostile battlefield of egos to a place of acceptance and support despite its imperfections. Other rituals include greeting others and saying goodbye, even if there is no significant exchange to base it on, opening the door for strangers, donating or tithing, etc.
Besides ritual, mindfulness is the other weapon religion employs against destructive cycles of reaction. All major religious traditions contain spiritual disciplines which lead to a deepened state of awareness, where one is able to observe triggers / stimuli without reacting to them. And these stimuli at their most basic level are defined as thoughts and feelings; these two one can work with, whereas the external world is beyond one’s control entirely. Mindfulness enables one to observe one’s thoughts and emotions without being controlled by them. And this observation opens up the world by revealing alternative ways of responding.
These two approaches taken together - mindfulness and routine - are potent beyond belief. One learns to observe one’s triggers and instead of reacting to them one begins to respond with sacred ritual. Deep religion abounds with these, and they almost always go against the culture, against convenience, against the ego, the false self, and thus break the chain. It may not be easy to turn the other cheek, go the second mile, love one’s enemies, give without expecting back, forgive those who have offended or taken advantage of you but as difficult as these activities may be, when they are chosen intentionally, from a place of deep mindfulness, then the seeds of a new world, of the Kingdom of heaven, sprout.
Some additional thoughts on ritual (18th Dec. 2024)
What is most crucial for a ritual to be truly effective is intentionality and consistency. While consistency simply means repetition, what is meant with intentionality is perhaps a little ambiguous. What intentionality is not is a feeling, i.e., one does not need to feel inspired to perform a ritual effectively (for all intents and purposes one might even be opposed to doing it on an emotional level). Rather, intentionality consists of one’s will and one’s attention. As long as one is doing something mindfully and out of their own free volition, they are acting intentionally. And such acting will in time transform one’s feelings.
Here below are some examples of transformative rituals:
Performing one generous act of giving a week to a person one finds difficult. For example one may buy a fancy pastry for a difficult colleague or buy them a drink for work.
Sending Christmas cards each year, and really making each card uniquely personalised to the recipient.
Proactively preparing a gift, a wish, a surprise for a friend’s or family member’s birthday rather than sending them a half-hearted, duty-bound ‘happy birthday’ message on the day itself.
Finding something to compliment or praise a stranger about on the first encounter. Also wishing them a hearty goodbye when about to leave.
Treating one’s colleagues to something tasty once a month or so - such as buying some chocolates, snacks or drink to share for everyone at work.