The Defining Experiences and Lessons of 2024
A year of inner rebuilding
With a subtlety
Silence is never gone,
but always waiting at the edges,
I notice - it is searching for me.
Even here, in this roaring crowd,
Even here, in this noisy mind.
With a gentleness,
Silence is never imposing,
but always willing and yielding,
I observe - it is surrounding me.
Even here, in this busy life,
Even here, within all my distractions.
With a shyness,
Silence is never suffocating,
but always revealing what is already there,
I feel - it is inspiring a new breath within me.
Making me return to the here,
Among a multitude of goals, plans and purposes,
Silence keeps returning me to the one.
1. Experiences
Regrouping after Crash-landing
The year 2023 ended in a valley: I was thrown out of paradise and, having not learnt how to fly, crashed on the earth I had so wished to escape. In other words, I left Taiwan, the land of my dreams, and returned back home to Latvia, a place I had long sought to leave behind, due to severe anxiety issues.
Latvia was the place I had least wanted to return to. While there was still family in Latvia, I had no friends, I saw no potential for growth, and arrived during the grey and forlorn winter months. Taiwan, conversely, was the country of my dreams and aspirations. I had built a new circle of friends, was part of one of the most rapidly growing churches in Taiwan, was pursuing my interests in journalism (albeit on a freelancer, non-employed basis), was studying Chinese, and of course enjoying all the delicious foods and nature of this tropical island. The contrast couldn’t have been more stark.
Having crash-landed, I was confronted with the fact that I had no plan for what to do if I had to leave Taiwan prematurely, especially in the tormented state I was in. While there was much disappointment, the safe and underwhelmingly peaceful environment of Latvia provided the perfect opportunity for me to puzzle out what had gone wrong, where I was now, and what to do next.
This journey of figuring things out led me to take a course on personality (on the Big Five model), to do a journalling program (known as ‘Self-authoring’), to read on the topic of mental health and how the brain works (the books that helped most were 'The Road Less Travelled’ by Scott Peck, and ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’ by Daniel Kahneman), to therapy, and eventually to taking anti-depressants (these were surprisingly effective in treating my condition and led to a major breakthrough).
As my condition slowly improved I was able to think beyond how to survive another day and began to start dreaming again. My dreams led me to Amsterdam. This was a city full of fond memories, friends, and exciting future prospects. While Amsterdam might not be the paradise of Taiwan, it was the next best thing and more than I could hope for. Having made plans, God’s providence made things align so that I could return to the city in early March after having spent just over five months in Latvia.
Crafting a Map (for the time-being)
A topic I had not lost passion for was the plight of Taiwan and the ambiguous nature of China. These were topics worth further exploring, preferably through a career. Before moving to Amsterdam I had made sure that there were no eligible jobs in Latvia that were connected to these topics. With its historically close ties to Asia, I was sure that the Netherlands would have something to offer, even for someone as inexperienced as me. Unfortunately, I was quickly proved wrong.
After a period of discouragement, I searched for alternative, somewhat less formal ways to develop my skillset, and to this end I began working on two projects. Project number one was creating a database of resources for doing research on the socio-cultural and political landscape of Taiwan. Project number two was writing a blog where I could tackle some of the more unique and confusing aspects of Taiwan; this included topics like the difference between Taiwanese and Chinese identity, the relationship between Taiwan and China, and the development of Taiwanese independence. Besides these two approaches, I also did some reading on the side about Taiwanese and Chinese history and philosophy. This three-pronged approach has yielded several insights.
Respectively, it is now clear to me that a masters in International Relations with a specialisation in Asia is an indispensable stepping stone towards eventually working in research. More specifically, I have realised that the kind of research work that I am most interested in is half-way in-between working in a university and working as a journalist. I want my work to have the intellectual depth and rigour of the former while also having the societal relevance of the latter. This narrows down my choice considerably; I now aspire to work in a think-tank.
Besides these two insights, a third I have made little progress in is exactly what I want to specialise in with regards to Taiwan. I have not yet distilled my rather general/vague interest in the country into a distinct niche. This has made it difficult to specialise, to pivot in one direction rather than staying on the surface where there is hopeless competition with all the rest. This niche I hope to discover during my masters, but for now all I can say is that I am interested in the emergence, expression, and variety of Taiwanese identity from a socio-cultural perspective.
Jumping Ship - from Taiwan to Japan
A little side-adventure in Amsterdam was changing jobs from a laid-back Taiwanese café to a rather uptight fine-dining Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant. Given that I had previously worked in the Taiwanese café for a year, had some friends still working there, and that it was a Taiwanese working environment, it was my default choice. Hence, my first job back in Amsterdam was at Jen’s Bing as a barista / waiter / chef (one had to know how to do all three as a full-timer). Coming back as a full-timer who had lived in Taiwan for a few months, I had new ambitions and wanted to contribute something of value.
My ambition was curtailed by the reality of the situation and my initial excitement turned to frustration and disappointment. I was willing to give much more to the cafe, but after the higher ups made it clear that I would still only be paid minimum - even though I had previously worked there for a year, was working full-time now, and was doing more creative things for the business the side. I become indignant and decided that this was an environment where I could not thrive; there was simply no appreciation, no stimulus to do more than the basics. Because I felt like my passion, and my creative input was being taken for granted, I decided to look for another job.
A friend and former colleague at Jen’s Bing suggested that I apply for work at a fancy Japanese restaurant, and after an interview I began my training as a waiter. Normally I would not be interested in working as a waiter, but given that this was a fine-dining restaurant, waiters were not just waiters, they were also entertainers, hosts, and had to take on many other roles depending on the situation. The fact that this was a Japanese restaurant meant that much attention was given to even the smallest details and the striving for perfection, so characteristic of the Japanese, permeated each aspect of the job.
I keep learning in this environment, each new customer presents a unique challenge: how to provide a fine-dining experience that wouldn’t be merely the hum-drum standard, but that would be personalised and playful. I have learnt much about reading customers, adjusting my service, working with Japanese, and (surprisingly) working with myself, and it is not difficult to see how the skills I learnt here will serve me elsewhere in life.
2. Lessons
Finding Spirituality in Contemplative Christianity
Over the past few years, I’ve struggled to find ways to connect to God that didn’t feel rote and that didn’t feel like just another task or duty. I would find the whole process of prayer and bible reading exhausting and frustrating, and would sometimes skip it altogether because it felt so forced, inauthentic, and routine. What I wanted was to commune with God in the depths of my heart and soul; to be transformed by Him, not just go through the motions. Not knowing how to engage with God in this way made me feel like a busybody during devotionals, like someone who did their devotionals because it was good to, because it was something one should do, not because it was something that resonated with me or felt profoundly meaningful. It was all show on the outside, but there was little spirituality within. This year marked a significant turning point, where I finally began to break through this wall of superficial routine.
God revealed to me the mystical/contemplative dimension of Christianity and how practices like Christian meditation (especially centering prayer) and other forms of contemplative prayer enable one to commune with and be transformed by God through an ever deepening sense of surrender.
Surrender, this is the key spiritual dynamic that I’ve discovered through contemplative spiritual disciplines. It is in surrender, through an intention to make space for and yield to the divine that the divine truly begins to work in me. As long as it’s me trying in my own strength to connect to God and figure our relationship out, I become only more confused and exhausted. But as soon as I let go and decide to be a follower, a patient, a student, a disciple, this is when intimacy with God and His guidance begins to come in.
My approach now is that spiritual disciplines are not a means by which I can conquer God - make Him do something, figure Him out, pin Him down. Rather the value and purpose of spiritual disciplines is to enlarge the mystery, increase my sense of surrender, submission, and create a space where it is not me doing something to God, but God doing something to me. All that I really need to do is remove the obstacle of resistance, which most often is either a crowded mind, an agenda for my time with God, or an idea of Him.
Carving out Community
This year was certainly quite a rocky one - unfortunately with more downs than ups - as regards the role and presence of community in my life. I’ve changed churches, and my attendance since has been very inconsistent; I’ve been going to my small group less frequently; I’ve been communicating less often with my friends from abroad; and I’ve also lost touch with several friends of mine here in the Netherlands. There are some very positive changes, however. Notably, my appreciation for the friends I do have has increased; my understanding for what constitutes a deeply engaged community has grown; and, most importantly, I’ve began a new journey with a person I dearly love. Some of the main take-aways from this strange scramble follow below.
In church
To really settle into a church community, it is not enough to casually chat after a Sunday service or during groups. There needs to be a space and relatively consistent time for more personal sharing. This space often gets crowded out by bible discussions, prayer and other activities. Ultimately, any agenda or plan for a meeting, while coming from a good place, is often the largest obstacle to greater vulnerability and fellowship (which means that it is crucial that leaders practice humility, openness and flexibility). Because I felt that there was this agenda in the small groups I attended, I found it difficult to keep going on a consistent basis.
In any church setting, Sunday service or small group, it will be the minority - about 10% - that are interested in this kind of engagement. The 10% include the people who linger around after church services, stay longest at groups, give more personal answers (instead of saying the ‘right thing’ (platitudes, cookie-cutter answers, and general responses are the largest obstacles to deeper communion)) during group discussions. It is easier to start one’s own group that focuses on this subgroup, but starting a group shouldn’t come at the cost of trying to make every interaction at church a little deeper and more personal. I tried making my own group focusing on more personal discussion, but my pastor at the time discouraged me. God willing, I would like to try again in Australia.
In everyday life
The friends I lost this year mainly came from the students small group in my old church. Because there was no longer any activity that brought us to the same place (I changed church locations and my small group), and even though we still tried to meet up on an independent basis, our friendships gradually dissolved. A similar thing has happened to my friends overseas. Because there was no longer any shared activity forming the background of our friendship, there was much less initiative to continue connecting to each other on a consistent basis.
The lack of a shared activity or goal can make friendships degenerate into a kind of occasional catch-up, where the topic of the meeting is briefing each other on what’s going on. Notice the change in dynamic: the friendship is no longer creative, no longer aspirational, but has become reflective and focused on the past. A common purpose or a shared activity forms part of the lifeline of a living, evolving friendship. Of course friendships can exist without these, but then they are much more fragile, superficial and will change with the circumstances.
Given that one eventually outgrows or for other reasons must leave behind certain activities this leads to seasonality in friendships. Trying to force the friendships when the original linking activity/purpose is no longer there will take the rhythm or flow from the friendship, and will make it seem very planned, rote and forced. They will no longer be dynamic and living, and perhaps therefore are not worth keeping.
(But of course, love goes beyond friendship, and is the most worthy pursuit in one’s relationships with others)
3. Resolutions
Finding ways to connect with others in more vulnerable and loving ways. Becoming more intentional and more generous in my relationships.
with those I love most (her, family, friends)
with passing travellers (colleagues, classmates, neighbours)
with Christ’s body (church)
Further exploring and integrating into my lifestyle Contemplative Spiritual Disciplines (growing in surrender)
Centering Prayer
Certain forms of contemplative prayer
Lectio Divina
Deepening my meditation practice, and applying it to daily life (learning to become mindful in a deeply compassionate and curious way)
Walking meditation
Breathing exercises
Learning other forms
Creating a consistent rhythm for not just prayer and meditation, but also for intensive reading, reflective writing, and exercise